It’ll Be Okay

Dear Whatever,

After a surprise turn of events, my classmates weren’t assholes. I’m still not entirely sure what’s going on, but since, like, Wednesday they haven’t been treating me like I’m the shit they need to get off their shoes. They haven’t made me feel awkward putting up my hand to answer questions in class. They haven’t been hitting me when the teachers weren’t looking. They haven’t been doing any of the crap they usually do.

I have no idea how to react to this.

I mentioned to the guidance counsellor that things were looking up, and she immediately became sceptical. I think she’s worried I’m lying to her. I mean, I’ve kept secrets from her before, which is kind of like lying by omission, but I haven’t told her a lie directly to her face.

So, I have no idea why she thinks I’m lying. I called her out on it, too, and she said she’s just concerned about me. I tried to get to explain, but she wouldn’t. But, I have a theory.

Here it is: she knows I’m not exactly one hundred percent. She knows that. And she’s concerned that maybe I’ve been pushed over the edge and that I’m about to do something, but how the heck does someone go from being depressed to relieved in the space of a week? I mean, she obviously has reason to be concerned. Except that in this case, things are actually going well.

I just can’t tell her all the details. If I say that my classmates are being nice for once, she’ll know who’s been bothering me. If I say that I’m allowed to answer questions in class without being slagged, or that I can go to the toilet without being abused, then she’ll know what’s been bothering me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s been going on, and that wouldn’t end well for any of the people who have suddenly stopped being assholes.

Honestly, if things stay like this, if they don’t bother me for the rest of the year, I think I could be happy. I might actually forgive them for everything that’s happened since day one.

I just want things to be what other people consider normal, for once. I want to be able to go to school without getting harassed. I want to feel safe, and I want to be happy, and I want to dread Mondays because of classes, not students. I want to enjoy the weekend because it’s a break from the pressure of studies, not because it means I have two days in the week without bullies.

There’s not that much longer left in school, really. I think, if I’m lucky, it’ll be okay. (It would be better if I didn’t have a pile of homework to do, too, so I could keep writing, but I suppose I’ll have to settle for things being eventless for a while, instead.)



About Paul Carroll

Paul Carroll is a writer, born, raised and still living in Dublin. By day he's a student and bookseller, by night he writes fiction and uses social media.
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